When people ask me lately how I am and I say “ok” or “eh,” I sometimes get surprised looks. Sorry, but I’m pretty sure that is just how I always feel. I’m ok, but never great.
This isn’t a pity party...it’s the truth. The weight of grief is still exhausting and sometimes consuming.
With the upcoming holidays, it adds even more weight & stress. You used to look forward to & love celebrating the holidays. Now: holidays are hard. As are special occasions. Pregnancy and birth announcements. Seeing others’ family photos and holiday cards with their kids...seeing how happy and content so many seemingly are. The list can go on and on.
This is my sarcastic way of dealing with grief & frustration. And passes the time when I inevitably can’t sleep at night. #griefprobs
But, I definitely do not want to alienate myself from my non-loss friends and family, by making them feel guilty for experiencing joy around the holidays. For their happy family holiday cards. For their fun holiday traditions & joyous smiles. For their growing families.
I am glad they are experiencing joy. I miss that feeling. I have moments of joy, moments of contentment...but they are interrupted by sadness, frustration, heartbreak & most of the time: envy.
So, this holiday season I do have a lot to be thankful for, for sure. I am so thankful to have so many around me who are supportive and understanding. Who continue to remind me that Marly is on their mind. I am of course thankful for my family, especially Thomas, who makes sure I smile every day. (He also makes sure I curse like a sailor at some point every day as well.) But being thankful doesn’t mean I stop grieving.
We can be thankful and be grieving...happy and sad. We can, and do at times want more. Although I am thankful for all that I have...that doesn’t mean I don't hope for more.
11.27.19
Downtown + Farmhouse