The term emotional roller coaster is used in a lot of situations: sports, relationships...but nothing really compares to the combo of a high-risk pregnancy after loss (#pal) + infertility, grief and trauma all rolled into one.
I am for sure in denial that I am about to give birth to my third (almost) full-term child. Surreal is one word to describe it.
I have delivered at 39+ weeks twice; both ending in unplanned c-sections. One with a healthy boy, but complications for me, and one with a rare complication that took my daughter's life, but spared mine. And now at 36 weeks, I will deliver by scheduled c-section.
I know this time will be different, for a number of reasons. I know it's very likely it will be a routine delivery with a healthy baby and mom when it’s all done.
But I cannot shake the idea of something going wrong. I know there are no guarantees. I know complications can and do happen. If I don't hear that cry; if they have to rush my baby to the NICU; and even worse...never hearing my baby cry or seeing their eyes open. These are all scenarios I have played out in my head. Over and over again.
I am unsure if if I am going to be so overcome with emotion, fear, PTSD, flashbacks, etc....that I will be almost numb, or if I will cry uncontrollably? I don't know how I will feel if it's a boy vs a girl? I don't know how I will handle complications? I don't even know how I will handle everything going right?
All I know is that it's here. I have to face it. I have to experience it. All of the emotions. All of the unknowns. I may be on the verge of the greatest joy a mother can experience, or another heartbreak. Either way, I will meet my 5th child in the morning, and it will be life-changing.
I'm not sure what turn or speed or direction the roller coaster will take, but I am hoping the ride slows and I am finally able to relax and breathe a huge sigh of relief, for the first time in what seems like a very long time. And I know many of you reading this will breathe that breath right along with me. And I truly thank you for that. The prayers, the support and the unwavering hope that this time around, things will be different.
Photos courtesy of Soul Tree Photography Studio: West Fargo, ND.
Location: our farm, just outside of Horace. #farmlife