It was April 30th...8 months to the day that I lost my daughter, Marly. It also happened to be day 5 of a late period. I knew this game all too well...do NOT get your hopes up Nikki. It's a false alarm. It's pretty much ALWAYS a false alarm.
Anyone who has ever dealt with infertility knows exactly what I'm talking about. It's a roller coaster of emotions: hope, disappointment, hope, disappointment. You're pregnant! But the baby died. Ultimate disappointment. This can go on for months or years. It's a cruel game. And its emotionally exhausting. Especially when you seem to be surrounded by pregnancy and babies. I’ve been playing this game for four years. I am currently 1 for 3: 1 living child, 2 in Heaven.
Well I knew this game...but I also have been longing for another life inside of me since I said goodbye to my sweet daughter. So my hopes had raised a little over the last few days. Of course only to be shattered.
I went into the bathroom and there it was. Another month without a baby. I walked out of the staff bathroom literally into another teacher who greeted me with a box. A box she had been meaning to give me for months and months (she had mentioned it to me a number of times). A box that she happened to remember that day. A Tuesday. AND she happened to cross paths with me at that exact moment. (*To some reading this I know you're thinking, big whoop, you work together...you cross paths all day. Well where I work that's not always the case. I have 70+ coworkers and 570+ students...days are super busy. And this particular teacher is only in my building part time.)
Anyways, I'm processing that I just got my period...again. That April was my last month to get pregnant and have a baby in 2019...before I'm 35. And she hands me the box and talks about how she has had it for a long time...how she didn't order it for me...how it came from Guatemala...how she had to tell herself that it was never meant for her, that it was meant for me. Well I open the box...and knew exactly what she meant. It's a butterfly bracelet.
Then, as I'm processing getting my period...again...and this gift, another teacher walks by and says "I have something for you too, I'll go get it." She meets me in the library and hands me an envelop and explains how her and some others have been wanting to do something for me for awhile but didn't know what. So I open the card and it's a gift card to a super nice restaurant in town. And she said she will watch Thomas so my husband and I can go out for nice meal. I'm sure my reaction was not as thankful as maybe she had hoped but I was literally processing so much that I barely muttered "thanks." #facepalm
Talk about a double whammy. 8 months without my sweet girl. My dreaded period. THEN two super thoughtful gifts in a row. Gifts I could have received any other day, any other time. But I received them when I needed them most. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened. I still try and convince myself it's coincidence, but by now, I should know better.
4.30.19
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