One year ago I did one of the most difficult things a parent can do: I buried a child. I said goodbye to my daughter, closed her casket and have never been the same since.
Never getting to touch her, or look at her sweet face in this life again, is overwhelming to absorb and accept. Most days, to be able to function, I can’t think about that cruel reality. It’s too painful and at times, can throw me into a panic attack.
Instead my mind jumps back to the details of her birth. Over and over and over. Even though those memories are painful, they are all I have. So, that’s where my mind goes. It goes to her.
Inevitably, those flashbulb moments flash in my mind throughout every day. Sometimes, many times. Holding her for the first time. Sending her away. Closing her casket. Watching her casket gently lowered into the ground.
As I type this, my chest tightens and my eyes fill with tears thinking of her funeral. Saying goodbye is hard. But, saying goodbye to your child is excruciating. You can never fully recover.
So today, I dedicate this to all of the parents who have had to say goodbye to their children too soon. Who have those flashbulb memories flashing in their minds every day, like I do. And who long for the day when they are reunited with their child, just like I do.
9.5.19
St. Benedict’s Church/Cemetery
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