Today was hard. I had to take Marly’s hair out from our “hospital things,” so I could send some in for a custom ring I am having made. Looking through things I have only dared to look at a couple of times...put an instant knot in my stomach and a weight on my chest. The level of emotions you feel when seeing physical evidence of your child who is no longer here, and looking through things you can barely stomach to look through, are hard to describe.
There they were. Her sweet little wisps of hair. Thank goodness for our nurses who saved them for us. I tried to remove some, but tears filled my eyes and I knew I needed help. Of course I brought them to my mom, who carefully helped me place some in a tiny baggie to send away. I thought of the moment I sent my daughter away. The absolute worst moment of my life.
To help my aching heart, I had some special Mommy-Tommy time with my son. He got a much needed hair cut of his own, then we had our first ever Cherry Berry date.
As his hair was falling to the ground, I couldn’t help but think how precious each tiny strand is that I have of his sister’s hair. Her only haircut. I will never experience sitting with her in the chair, easing her fears and making haircuts fun. Bribing her with a treat or a game on my phone. My daughter only got one haircut, and I wasn’t even there to see it.
Unfortunately when you lose your baby at birth...there are many only’s. I will write more about them when I have the energy. Tonight, I only have the energy for the one.
5.21.19
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