So, I have a little (ha!) personal experience with the typical hangover, but these past fourteen months, I have realized what it means to be truly emotionally hungover.
I am a huge nerd, and had to research emotional or grief hangovers a bit, and found that these are an actual thing. You can experience them for multiple days following a highly emotional experience.
Think of the last time you really cried...like total cry-fest. Then think about how you felt the next day. It can be so exhausting and draining to be sad. To release emotions. To absorb others’ emotions. Think funerals, serious illness, traumatic events, etc.
I remember after my wedding feeling like I could sleep for a week. Just the emotional build-up, then all the emotions of your wedding day, then its done and you are trying to process it all. Even wonderful life events can leave emotional hangovers.
When it comes to grief, the emotional hangovers are much more intense. Because the emotions are more intense. I sort of feel like I am in a constant state of being hungover. I feel like I hardly slept the night before, not much of an appetite, brain-fog, forgetful, irritable, wanting to curl up in a ball on the couch; sometimes even physically ill.
Well, last weekend I attended the second annual Hopeful Heart Project, Love & Light event, honoring children who have died...including my own. It’s an event you can have mixed emotions about because although you are taking time to honor these children and spending time with other amazing parents & people...you are also there because either your child died, or someone’s close to you did. It sucks.
I knew what to expect at the event...but I didn’t think I would be as emotional as I was. Watching the slideshow (anticipating my daughter’s picture & video of my son) I was physically shaking and sobbing because almost every sweet baby up there belonged to parents I knew...so seeing each picture was like taking a bullet. Then, you see your own child and you are so proud, but so upset that they are even up there.
Why did my child die? Is this harder for me than everyone else? Is everyone as devastated as I am? Is this really my life now? (Ugh, I could go on and on here but that’s for another pity party another day.)
Then I feel like although I did a lot of talking that night, and was so happy to see so many of my new “tribe,” I honestly was in sort of a fog. Like what did I even say to people? How awkward was I? I was sweaty, but it was freezing in there. I had so many emotions that I had a difficult time focusing on the conversations I was having. Conversations I many times started. (#facepalm)
Then the next day I was relieved to hear from another mom that she felt the same way. That she somewhat “blacked out” the whole night. And I’m not talking from over drinking here: I am talking “blacking out” being “foggy” and “hungover” from high levels of emotion and grief.
There is an energy in that room of parents that is unlike any other. We love and grieve fierceless-ly and endlessly. None of us really want to be there, but we also never want to miss an event to honor our children, together.
So...the reason it took me a whole week to write about this is because I am just coming out of that emotional hangover. It was a big one...because the event was a big one.
Every time I get together with other loss-parents, its so amazingly healing and exhausting. I need like a day or two to recover from each of those meetings. Hell, I honestly need a nap after typing this. Seriously. That’s my life now. Just one big, never-ending hangover.
*I knew all those hangovers in my twenties and early thirties were preparing me for something. ;)
10.27.19
(Car ride)
