Soon, I will be starting my 12th year in education. I have had some crazy busy years. Years where I was: coaching multiple sports (up to four in one school year), getting my masters, learning to be a new mom, learning to teach a new subject, grade levels or coach a new sport. But none of those years compare to last year.
The year that I lost my daughter.
I began the year just days from meeting my baby. (Honestly, I wouldn‘t have even had to start the school year...I had the option to have my scheduled c-section the weekend prior, but opted to see if I went into labor on my own before 40 weeks. Huge mistake. HUGE.)
I was naively hoping to get the first few days of school in, then enjoy 12 weeks at home with my newborn and two year old. Instead, on August 29th I went into labor (while at school) and on August 30th (30+ hours later), my daughter was born, but had passed away, likely just minutes prior. Minutes. And they couldn't save her. And instead of 12 weeks, my leave was cut down to 8 weeks. Since there was “no baby,” it was no longer considered maternity leave, but medical leave. I also had five days of bereavement added at the beginning. Five days.
Now any mom who has returned to work after the birth of their child can tell you how difficult it can be. I'm not sure if you're ever "ready" to go back. Imagine returning to work when your baby died and everyone knows it. When all you want to do is crawl in a hole. Move away. Never leave your house again. Change everything about your life (believe me...I changed about everything...grocery stores, hair stylist, dentist...everything). When going back to work and facing reality, that life is moving on, is the absolute last thing you want to do.
Well, I reluctantly returned to work, 8 weeks to the day from losing Marly, because I feared losing my insurance and my job. I was in no way emotionally or mentally ready to return. I teach library media at a fairly large elementary school. That means basically every student knew I left to have my baby. How could I possibly explain over and over and over that my baby actually died...without having breakdown after breakdown? How could I maintain my composure and professionalism? How could I actually teach them anything when it took about every once of my energy just to get to work each day? Throw in...no sick days to use. Had to use em all up on "medical leave."#UGH
Well, if you are as lucky as I am, you have amazing coworkers who help make your transition back to work as smooth as possible. They show lots of extra love, grace and bring you treats to help get you through the day (the treats/notes/coffee's really help). My coworkers both in my building and around the district, were absolutely amazing and accommodating in my return. I would not have made it through the year, if I hadn’t received the support from them, that I did.
When you work in education, you have very little flexibility in your day to day schedule. Plus, you are working with kids. You need to be in the right mindset, have emotional stability, and A LOT of energy and patience. None of which I did back in October (or really felt like I had the rest of the school year. And if I'm being honest, I still don't).
I have had many years that I was so relieved I made it to the last day of school. But last year, more than any other year, I was relieved and proud that I made it through to the end. I wanted to quit. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be home with my son (and daughter). I didn’t have the energy or mental capacity to do my job (or didn’t feel like I did). Being at work day after day, when I should have been home with my new baby, was really hard. Like I was in some sort of cruel twilight zone. But it happened. And it was hard. And I did it. Barely.
Going back is hard, no matter the circumstance. But if I can do it in my situation...I'd dare to say almost any mom can. Give yourself some grace. Be honest about what you need. Take time to breathe. Don't stress about getting everything done you normally are able to. And if your workplace isn't understanding and supportive...then I would re-evaluate why you are there. Hopefully, you are one of the lucky ones like I am.
This year, I go back for year twelve and I tell you what...going back to school is hard. And this will be my hardest yet, because our first week back, is Marly's birthday. Flashbacks and panic attacks galore all while trying to focus on starting a new school year. To say I'm dreading going back, is an understatement. My chest hurts thinking about it. I'm literally in tears as I type this. But I know that my coworkers will be there to hold me up or step in and watch my class if I need a minute to breathe. There will be smiles greeting me from the moment I wipe my tears and enter the building, until the moment I get back into my car and cry again. But that's grief, and sometimes teaching...and even at times motherhood, in a nutshell. Some days are hard, some seasons are hard...some years are hard; but who you have around you to lean on, makes all the difference.
8.15.19
Farmhouse
